Three months later...

Wow. [Enter cliché about time moving quickly.] I've actually had two friends remind me recently that I haven't posted on this blog in a number of months. Well, despite travelling like crazy for the next while I resolve once again to post every two weeks or so.

 

Leo on December 18 - his sixth month birthday

I heard something... somewhere... in the last couple weeks that people rarely smile when they are by themselves; smiling is a social expression. This started me thinking about how much more I smile since I have a baby. Not necessarily because I'm happier or feel more fulfilled (do I? This would require a complicated response...) but because I'm almost constantly talking to Leo with bright and exagerrated expressions. In some ways this is tiring, to be "on demand" all the time - but it is so sweet (and so worth it) when I realize I've been lost in thought or looking at something else and then catch Leo fully staring at my face and breaking into a huge smile when I finally return his gaze.

 

He didn't enjoy the crown, but hey - at least I'm smiling!

I also wonder whether this does make me/mothers/parents happier in general. Isn't it often repeated that smiling more will make us happier even if we're consciously initiating the smile rather than waiting for smiles to issue forth from our happiness? Ok, I'm not even sure if it's happiness I'm after in the grand scheme of things but I do wonder about the effect of all this smiling on my overall mood and sense of well being. 

 

Snowshoeing near Jasper, Alberta

I remember as a child and a teenager trying to capture or consciously realize the moments I felt most content, alive, inspired, full of life. I had one of those moments while snowshoeing with my family in Jasper almost a week ago. Smiling is wonderful but I also need to get myself walking through the trees regularly for the sake of my well being and inspiration.

 

Ze'ev and Leo looking over the Jasper townsite

Three months ago

 

Photo by Avital Zemer

During my pregnancy, I felt as if I was anticipating and preparing for two very different things: labour and a baby. I was surprised by a few things in my labour, but I really feel I entered the experience with openness and curiosity. As a record of my experience (and somewhat out of appreciation for all the labour stories I read to prepare myself) I've finally finished putting together my labour story! Both Ze'ev and our doula, Gina, took pictures throughout the day (mostly in between contractions when they could spare a moment from hands-on support) and, although there are some images that I will probably never share with anyone who wasn't in the room, I really like the pictures and it's fun to have them complementing the narrative. 

Of course, some people will have no desire to see even the pictures I feel comfortable sharing, so I've made two versions of the story: the G-rated version doesn't show any more skin than you'd see if I were wearing a bikini and doesn't mention any lady bits (like the v-word); the R-rated version (which is probably more like PG in today's world) has nipple shots and a slightly more colourful description of the events. Just email me with your version preference if you're interested in reading my labour story, culminating of course in the birth of Leo!

 

The top picture is of my finished "labour flags" which I asked friends and family in Edmonton to make me inspired by these ones. They used fabric paint and fabric appliqué to make the flags as above and then I sewed them together with homemade bias tape. Ze'ev and I hung them whwn I was in labour and I love them. They're actually still up although we plan to take them down - I'd like to keep them over Leo's change table for a while though to keep that good energy flowing.

Back on the knit-wagon

This post is about a week late, but I still want to get the sentiment recorded here. Leo was such a great traveller (i.e. sleeper) on our trip to Toronto a week ago that I was able to get more work done on the sweater I started last winter. He actually slept so much in the car that the knitting started to feel monotonous! Very exciting for anything non-baby-related to actually start to be boring. The pattern is Roheline from the lovely online magazine Twist Collective. The body is done up to the armpits (waiting to attach the sleeves and knit the yoke) and the sleeves are probably one third done (knitting them simultaneously with two double-pointed needles). I had hoped to finish before Leo was born... yeah, that's usually the way it goes. 

 

Last week I met a mom with a son the same age as Leo and she mentioned she will be hosting a Stitch and Bitch group at a nearby yarn store this fall. I asked her with some amazement if she was able to knit with such a young baby and she said, "Oh, yes! I just sit him on my lap like this and he watches me." This blew me away. I felt better a bit later when I talked to my sister and she said that even if I could knit right now with Leo, in a couple months he would be grabbing at the needles and the yarn anyway.

I do appreciate hearing that someone *is* able to knit with a young baby because it plants the idea in my head and I might try it! And I'm also more encouraged to attend a knit group if I know there's another breastfeeding mom with a young baby there. So I don't know if posting about this project will give me motivation to keep trying to work on it here and there or if I'll just find myself looking back on this a year later with it still unfinished... but I love the sweater and I'm looking forward to wearing it.

In Leo news, he attended his first music festival this weekend! Unfortunately the weather was cold and windy (thanks to my mom for all the warm knitted goods that kept my baby warm!) and the music was so-so, but I'm glad we did it. Much more to come next summer, Leo!

Finding Rhythm

At a breastfeeding group yesterday, one woman talked about people asking her how long her son goes between feedings, when he naps, and how long he naps for. She has to answer that she has no idea - she just "goes with it". She then asked the group, with quite a bit of hesitation, if there is any way to have some kind of schedule with a baby since it seemed like the people asking the questions could predict and plan their day around their babies' naps and feedings. I interpreted her hesitation as being worried about how she might come across mentioning "scheduling" in an environment that promotes baby-wearing/attachment parenting/breastfeeding on cue/etc (in which schedule is generally a bad word). But I can totally relate to both things: one, that I only have a vague idea of how long Leo goes between feedings or how long he naps for (and this is a wide range depending on the time of day); and two, I have also wondered if I could get us on to a routine to guide our day together.

Another mother responded with an idea I've also considered doing: she wrote down everything her baby did for a few days and discovered to her great surprise that he *did* have a schedule! Small things (an extra feeding, for example) might change from day to day but in general there was a common sequence to his day. She also noted that if he got up at a later time, his routine would shift ahead by that amount of time. She noticed that there was a period of a few hours in the evening when he was particularly fussy and so she decided that his bedtime would be before the fussiness started - he's now not awake for that part of his routine, so it doesn't happen! I didn't get the sense that she now was able to predict exactly what he would do (and babies do seem to change things up when parents think they've got things down), but rather that she was reassured that his behaviour wasn't random and so just let him do his thing while knowing that there was a pattern for him.

The facilitator of the group nodded and said, yes - we talk about Rhythm. Ok: scheduling bad, rhythm good. I'm not sure what practical use I'll actually make of this, but I loved hearing about the idea and the possibilities of discovering more about my baby this way. Then I started thinking that I could probably actually learn more about *myself* this way. Before having a baby, I would often have a moment in the late afternoon of a day off work where I was mad at myself for "doing nothing" all morning. I think I was trying to impose a schedule on myself instead of learning about my own rhythms. And now, my goal is to harmonize my rhythm with my baby's - and also dedicate some part of the day to myself in some way. A roundabout way of saying that I hope to reflect and write about me and my own (non-baby-related) thoughts and identity soon!

My village this weekend

Parenting an infant (perhaps mothering in particular?) feels like one long series of mood swings. The highs are so high - actually, not so much ecstatic as feelings of deep peace, love, and contentment - but the lows are so low. If I don't have a solid nap every day I hit the lows pretty reliably. I start second guessing myself and just feel overwhelmed at the sheer number of emotions I experience every single day. I feel confused about how this could possibly be this hard, especially since we are blessed with such an easy-going baby. I feel conflicted and guilty when I'm relieved that there is someone else to hold my baby, and then a short while later I feel an overwhelming urge to have my baby back in my arms. I reassure myself that everything about this is normal and just enjoy the most wonderful moments when I am fed and rested and fully focused on Leo and his growing, nourishing, amazing energy.

After last week, my first week alone during the day with Leo, and after being emotionally overwhelmed a few times, I was worried that I would start to dread the beginning of Ze'ev's work week when he would be gone again during the day. Then, of course, I would feel guilty that I was even considering the possibility of dreading any amount of time with my baby, etc... (mood swing!). Which is why I'm so grateful to have the "village" of Ze'ev's family to spend time with and to share the baby care this weekend. I'm noticing that this is not only a break in the moment but also gives me renewed energy for the week coming up. I'm excited about and looking forward to my days with Leo, to taking him for walks to local parks, to giving him massages and diaper-free time, to exploring groups and activities in Ottawa, to simply sharing a daily routine.

I also have a new intention based on a realization. It occured to me while rushing around frantically to do something before Leo woke up and needed me, that the only time I don't feel stress or anxiety these days is when I'm sitting down breastfeeding or at least when I'm holding Leo and he's happy. That is, as long as I'm not making a mental list of the things I want to do (water plants, tidy the top of the fridge, blah blah blah) when we are sitting still and he's feeding. At all other times I'm wondering where he is (when he is safe with other people) or worrying that he will wake up (horrible parent! cue the mood swing!). So, I want to both fully enjoy the times when both he and I have exactly what we need, and, shift my thinking so that I'm looking forward to him waking and needing me even when I'm in the middle of brushing my teeth and it's almost 1pm and I want to go for a walk before our afternoon nap (or some equivalent scenario). My main realization was just that the mood swings make sense if I'm feeling on edge and anxious for much of my day so I need to be aware of that. And be grateful for my village that helps me raise this child. And fully enjoy the highs of these crazy swings.

Emerging

 

June 18, a half hour after Leo's birth

The first few times I ventured briefly out of the house after Leo was born I was shocked by the world outside. So bright! So big! So many people! I realized then that I was fairly successfully "hibernating" inside our home as we all rested and explored and started to get to know eachother.

 

1 week, 2 days old

These short walks were kept brief at first by my physical need to rest and heal. I would be very energetic on the way out the door, chatting to Ze'ev and excited to be outside in the air and the sun, but I would suddenly become tired, feel heavy in my body, and need to return home. Overextending myself in the first week (even by walking three blocks!) was followed by distinct signs that I was already doing too much. 

 

1 week, 6 days old

Getting physically stronger and stronger I now can walk just as much as before giving birth but notice a different kind of overextension. After some time out of the home I get a nagging, increasingly insistent feeling that I just want to be at home on my couch holding my baby. Even if I'm carrying him on my body while walking about. It's more than a feeling, almost like slight anxiety... Unfortunately these signs of this version of pushing myself too far are easier to ignore than the physical signs of the first week. Until, that is, I'm snapping at my husband or sobbing at 3am when I haven't had more than one hour of uninterrupted sleep yet. 

 

With my mom (Leo's baba): 3 weeks, 5 days old

We're almost at the six week mark! Which I've read in blogs and books is the first difficult "hump" of parenthood. As I told a good friend a couple weeks before giving birth, my goal in labour was to get to 6cm (I didn't end up knowing my dilation at any point in my labour, but that's another story) and my goal in new parenthood was to get to 6 weeks. By which I meant I would prepare to just experience and cope and enjoy during those stages while knowing that they will pass and things will inevitably change. So I think I need to remember this plan, that although the first six weeks are going amazingly well (thanks to my incredible husband and the help from my sister and mom) we are still in the very beginning stages of this great adventure and I still need to respect our needs for hibernation as we slowly emerge into the world.

 

Yesterday, July 24, 5 weeks, 1 day old

The more things change...

Slowly, but surely...

Enjoying the spring, getting sun in between periods of rain, spending time with family and friends. Enjoying other things less (my low tolerance for heat, disappearing ankles) but things are going as they should.

Nothing feels imminent or scary. I wonder if I'm better at "planning" for an event in which the exact day, time, and process can't be predicted? Or maybe panic will still hit at some point. 

 
For now, though, I'm enjoying this pace of things. Especially on my bicycle! Those easily concerned should avert their eyes now. I'm so pleased that I can still bike to work. I reassure people that I'm not pushing myself. I still feel safe, but even more importantly, I still feel strong! and fast! on my bike. Not so much when I'm walking. And, since a google image search for "eight months pregnant on a bicycle" yielded dissapointing results, here's what that looks like. (Rest assured that I always wear my helmet when biking on the roads - this was a very slow moving photo op at the Tulip Festival.)