My village this weekend

Parenting an infant (perhaps mothering in particular?) feels like one long series of mood swings. The highs are so high - actually, not so much ecstatic as feelings of deep peace, love, and contentment - but the lows are so low. If I don't have a solid nap every day I hit the lows pretty reliably. I start second guessing myself and just feel overwhelmed at the sheer number of emotions I experience every single day. I feel confused about how this could possibly be this hard, especially since we are blessed with such an easy-going baby. I feel conflicted and guilty when I'm relieved that there is someone else to hold my baby, and then a short while later I feel an overwhelming urge to have my baby back in my arms. I reassure myself that everything about this is normal and just enjoy the most wonderful moments when I am fed and rested and fully focused on Leo and his growing, nourishing, amazing energy.

After last week, my first week alone during the day with Leo, and after being emotionally overwhelmed a few times, I was worried that I would start to dread the beginning of Ze'ev's work week when he would be gone again during the day. Then, of course, I would feel guilty that I was even considering the possibility of dreading any amount of time with my baby, etc... (mood swing!). Which is why I'm so grateful to have the "village" of Ze'ev's family to spend time with and to share the baby care this weekend. I'm noticing that this is not only a break in the moment but also gives me renewed energy for the week coming up. I'm excited about and looking forward to my days with Leo, to taking him for walks to local parks, to giving him massages and diaper-free time, to exploring groups and activities in Ottawa, to simply sharing a daily routine.

I also have a new intention based on a realization. It occured to me while rushing around frantically to do something before Leo woke up and needed me, that the only time I don't feel stress or anxiety these days is when I'm sitting down breastfeeding or at least when I'm holding Leo and he's happy. That is, as long as I'm not making a mental list of the things I want to do (water plants, tidy the top of the fridge, blah blah blah) when we are sitting still and he's feeding. At all other times I'm wondering where he is (when he is safe with other people) or worrying that he will wake up (horrible parent! cue the mood swing!). So, I want to both fully enjoy the times when both he and I have exactly what we need, and, shift my thinking so that I'm looking forward to him waking and needing me even when I'm in the middle of brushing my teeth and it's almost 1pm and I want to go for a walk before our afternoon nap (or some equivalent scenario). My main realization was just that the mood swings make sense if I'm feeling on edge and anxious for much of my day so I need to be aware of that. And be grateful for my village that helps me raise this child. And fully enjoy the highs of these crazy swings.