Three months ago

 

Photo by Avital Zemer

During my pregnancy, I felt as if I was anticipating and preparing for two very different things: labour and a baby. I was surprised by a few things in my labour, but I really feel I entered the experience with openness and curiosity. As a record of my experience (and somewhat out of appreciation for all the labour stories I read to prepare myself) I've finally finished putting together my labour story! Both Ze'ev and our doula, Gina, took pictures throughout the day (mostly in between contractions when they could spare a moment from hands-on support) and, although there are some images that I will probably never share with anyone who wasn't in the room, I really like the pictures and it's fun to have them complementing the narrative. 

Of course, some people will have no desire to see even the pictures I feel comfortable sharing, so I've made two versions of the story: the G-rated version doesn't show any more skin than you'd see if I were wearing a bikini and doesn't mention any lady bits (like the v-word); the R-rated version (which is probably more like PG in today's world) has nipple shots and a slightly more colourful description of the events. Just email me with your version preference if you're interested in reading my labour story, culminating of course in the birth of Leo!

 

The top picture is of my finished "labour flags" which I asked friends and family in Edmonton to make me inspired by these ones. They used fabric paint and fabric appliqué to make the flags as above and then I sewed them together with homemade bias tape. Ze'ev and I hung them whwn I was in labour and I love them. They're actually still up although we plan to take them down - I'd like to keep them over Leo's change table for a while though to keep that good energy flowing.

Back on the knit-wagon

This post is about a week late, but I still want to get the sentiment recorded here. Leo was such a great traveller (i.e. sleeper) on our trip to Toronto a week ago that I was able to get more work done on the sweater I started last winter. He actually slept so much in the car that the knitting started to feel monotonous! Very exciting for anything non-baby-related to actually start to be boring. The pattern is Roheline from the lovely online magazine Twist Collective. The body is done up to the armpits (waiting to attach the sleeves and knit the yoke) and the sleeves are probably one third done (knitting them simultaneously with two double-pointed needles). I had hoped to finish before Leo was born... yeah, that's usually the way it goes. 

 

Last week I met a mom with a son the same age as Leo and she mentioned she will be hosting a Stitch and Bitch group at a nearby yarn store this fall. I asked her with some amazement if she was able to knit with such a young baby and she said, "Oh, yes! I just sit him on my lap like this and he watches me." This blew me away. I felt better a bit later when I talked to my sister and she said that even if I could knit right now with Leo, in a couple months he would be grabbing at the needles and the yarn anyway.

I do appreciate hearing that someone *is* able to knit with a young baby because it plants the idea in my head and I might try it! And I'm also more encouraged to attend a knit group if I know there's another breastfeeding mom with a young baby there. So I don't know if posting about this project will give me motivation to keep trying to work on it here and there or if I'll just find myself looking back on this a year later with it still unfinished... but I love the sweater and I'm looking forward to wearing it.

In Leo news, he attended his first music festival this weekend! Unfortunately the weather was cold and windy (thanks to my mom for all the warm knitted goods that kept my baby warm!) and the music was so-so, but I'm glad we did it. Much more to come next summer, Leo!

Finding Rhythm

At a breastfeeding group yesterday, one woman talked about people asking her how long her son goes between feedings, when he naps, and how long he naps for. She has to answer that she has no idea - she just "goes with it". She then asked the group, with quite a bit of hesitation, if there is any way to have some kind of schedule with a baby since it seemed like the people asking the questions could predict and plan their day around their babies' naps and feedings. I interpreted her hesitation as being worried about how she might come across mentioning "scheduling" in an environment that promotes baby-wearing/attachment parenting/breastfeeding on cue/etc (in which schedule is generally a bad word). But I can totally relate to both things: one, that I only have a vague idea of how long Leo goes between feedings or how long he naps for (and this is a wide range depending on the time of day); and two, I have also wondered if I could get us on to a routine to guide our day together.

Another mother responded with an idea I've also considered doing: she wrote down everything her baby did for a few days and discovered to her great surprise that he *did* have a schedule! Small things (an extra feeding, for example) might change from day to day but in general there was a common sequence to his day. She also noted that if he got up at a later time, his routine would shift ahead by that amount of time. She noticed that there was a period of a few hours in the evening when he was particularly fussy and so she decided that his bedtime would be before the fussiness started - he's now not awake for that part of his routine, so it doesn't happen! I didn't get the sense that she now was able to predict exactly what he would do (and babies do seem to change things up when parents think they've got things down), but rather that she was reassured that his behaviour wasn't random and so just let him do his thing while knowing that there was a pattern for him.

The facilitator of the group nodded and said, yes - we talk about Rhythm. Ok: scheduling bad, rhythm good. I'm not sure what practical use I'll actually make of this, but I loved hearing about the idea and the possibilities of discovering more about my baby this way. Then I started thinking that I could probably actually learn more about *myself* this way. Before having a baby, I would often have a moment in the late afternoon of a day off work where I was mad at myself for "doing nothing" all morning. I think I was trying to impose a schedule on myself instead of learning about my own rhythms. And now, my goal is to harmonize my rhythm with my baby's - and also dedicate some part of the day to myself in some way. A roundabout way of saying that I hope to reflect and write about me and my own (non-baby-related) thoughts and identity soon!

My village this weekend

Parenting an infant (perhaps mothering in particular?) feels like one long series of mood swings. The highs are so high - actually, not so much ecstatic as feelings of deep peace, love, and contentment - but the lows are so low. If I don't have a solid nap every day I hit the lows pretty reliably. I start second guessing myself and just feel overwhelmed at the sheer number of emotions I experience every single day. I feel confused about how this could possibly be this hard, especially since we are blessed with such an easy-going baby. I feel conflicted and guilty when I'm relieved that there is someone else to hold my baby, and then a short while later I feel an overwhelming urge to have my baby back in my arms. I reassure myself that everything about this is normal and just enjoy the most wonderful moments when I am fed and rested and fully focused on Leo and his growing, nourishing, amazing energy.

After last week, my first week alone during the day with Leo, and after being emotionally overwhelmed a few times, I was worried that I would start to dread the beginning of Ze'ev's work week when he would be gone again during the day. Then, of course, I would feel guilty that I was even considering the possibility of dreading any amount of time with my baby, etc... (mood swing!). Which is why I'm so grateful to have the "village" of Ze'ev's family to spend time with and to share the baby care this weekend. I'm noticing that this is not only a break in the moment but also gives me renewed energy for the week coming up. I'm excited about and looking forward to my days with Leo, to taking him for walks to local parks, to giving him massages and diaper-free time, to exploring groups and activities in Ottawa, to simply sharing a daily routine.

I also have a new intention based on a realization. It occured to me while rushing around frantically to do something before Leo woke up and needed me, that the only time I don't feel stress or anxiety these days is when I'm sitting down breastfeeding or at least when I'm holding Leo and he's happy. That is, as long as I'm not making a mental list of the things I want to do (water plants, tidy the top of the fridge, blah blah blah) when we are sitting still and he's feeding. At all other times I'm wondering where he is (when he is safe with other people) or worrying that he will wake up (horrible parent! cue the mood swing!). So, I want to both fully enjoy the times when both he and I have exactly what we need, and, shift my thinking so that I'm looking forward to him waking and needing me even when I'm in the middle of brushing my teeth and it's almost 1pm and I want to go for a walk before our afternoon nap (or some equivalent scenario). My main realization was just that the mood swings make sense if I'm feeling on edge and anxious for much of my day so I need to be aware of that. And be grateful for my village that helps me raise this child. And fully enjoy the highs of these crazy swings.

Emerging

 

June 18, a half hour after Leo's birth

The first few times I ventured briefly out of the house after Leo was born I was shocked by the world outside. So bright! So big! So many people! I realized then that I was fairly successfully "hibernating" inside our home as we all rested and explored and started to get to know eachother.

 

1 week, 2 days old

These short walks were kept brief at first by my physical need to rest and heal. I would be very energetic on the way out the door, chatting to Ze'ev and excited to be outside in the air and the sun, but I would suddenly become tired, feel heavy in my body, and need to return home. Overextending myself in the first week (even by walking three blocks!) was followed by distinct signs that I was already doing too much. 

 

1 week, 6 days old

Getting physically stronger and stronger I now can walk just as much as before giving birth but notice a different kind of overextension. After some time out of the home I get a nagging, increasingly insistent feeling that I just want to be at home on my couch holding my baby. Even if I'm carrying him on my body while walking about. It's more than a feeling, almost like slight anxiety... Unfortunately these signs of this version of pushing myself too far are easier to ignore than the physical signs of the first week. Until, that is, I'm snapping at my husband or sobbing at 3am when I haven't had more than one hour of uninterrupted sleep yet. 

 

With my mom (Leo's baba): 3 weeks, 5 days old

We're almost at the six week mark! Which I've read in blogs and books is the first difficult "hump" of parenthood. As I told a good friend a couple weeks before giving birth, my goal in labour was to get to 6cm (I didn't end up knowing my dilation at any point in my labour, but that's another story) and my goal in new parenthood was to get to 6 weeks. By which I meant I would prepare to just experience and cope and enjoy during those stages while knowing that they will pass and things will inevitably change. So I think I need to remember this plan, that although the first six weeks are going amazingly well (thanks to my incredible husband and the help from my sister and mom) we are still in the very beginning stages of this great adventure and I still need to respect our needs for hibernation as we slowly emerge into the world.

 

Yesterday, July 24, 5 weeks, 1 day old

The more things change...

Slowly, but surely...

Enjoying the spring, getting sun in between periods of rain, spending time with family and friends. Enjoying other things less (my low tolerance for heat, disappearing ankles) but things are going as they should.

Nothing feels imminent or scary. I wonder if I'm better at "planning" for an event in which the exact day, time, and process can't be predicted? Or maybe panic will still hit at some point. 

 
For now, though, I'm enjoying this pace of things. Especially on my bicycle! Those easily concerned should avert their eyes now. I'm so pleased that I can still bike to work. I reassure people that I'm not pushing myself. I still feel safe, but even more importantly, I still feel strong! and fast! on my bike. Not so much when I'm walking. And, since a google image search for "eight months pregnant on a bicycle" yielded dissapointing results, here's what that looks like. (Rest assured that I always wear my helmet when biking on the roads - this was a very slow moving photo op at the Tulip Festival.)

Amazed

Wow - 38 weeks OOOPS! make that 28 weeks.

As another blogger wrote, how did I get from then to now? I think I look a lot bigger than I feel since I'm still fairly comfortable in my body although there are some mild pains that recur daily. In the past month or so I've become used to the idea of being pregnant (although I'm still sometimes shocked and appalled by the strength of the movements inside me and visible through the skin of my belly - what are you doing in there?). Just starting to wrap my head around the idea that this whole adventure will result in an actual baby.

I've been thinking more and more about labour, and actually more excited for it than anything but quite happy that we still have about three months to prepare, settle, and enjoy the spring before the big event. Trying to maintain an open, moment by moment curiosity about the process and acknowledge my worries and fears without them taking over. 

I love this poem by Sheila Kitzinger (found with a beautiful image on Offbeat Mama - had to squint to read it and ask to find the source) - it's one I'll want to remember in three months or so.

Calm after storm

After the soaring, a peace 
like swans settling on the lake.
After the tumult and the roaring winds
silence.
After daring to leap over the chasm
feet know the certainty of good earth.
The tide swept in through every crevice of her body 
and now she is beached and safe.
She looks down to see a child
amazed. 


Bare belly picture to follow for those interested...

Cookie celebration

Let's make hamentashen!

As Ze'ev described to a couple of our guests unfamiliar with the holiday of Purim: there was a good guy and a bad guy, the bad guy was an anti-Semite, he lost and now we eat cookies shaped like his ears.

I shouldn't be so dismissive, though. There are parts to this story and the traditions around celebrating it that I've really loved ever since my introduction to Purim through a Jewish Feminist Thought class in my undergrad. 

It is the story of Esther and her role in preventing Haman from succeeding in his plan to kill her people, the Jews. I'm not going to get into the details, but I love two things in particular: that one part of the celebration is to drink enough so you can't tell the difference between Haman (bad guy) and Mordechai (good guy); and the importance of forgetting/remembering that runs through many Jewish holidays/traditions (as described in an article I still remember from that university class), in this case through using noisemakers to drown out Haman's name each time it is spoken when the story is retold on Purim.

 

And also, the cookies are delicious. (Ze'ev got creative and expanded from the traditional triangle shape.)

Ok, because I've been a bit vague about the thoughtful bits I like about this holiday, an excerpt from the article I mentioned for those who are interested...

Tales from Cuba: Peso Pizza

One of the interesting things about travelling in Cuba is the dual currency system. Tourists generally use the Cuban Convertible Peso (CUC), worth a bit more than a Canadian dollar, and valued based on the American dollar somehow (I'm clearly a bit fuzzy on the details). Locals use (and get paid in) "moneda national", also called pesos, and 25 of these pesos equals one CUC. So, generally, tourists are charged in CUCs simply because we are tourists (and also because many of the businesses and restaurants we frequent only deal with CUCs) BUT there are a few things you can only buy in pesos. Ze'ev was very excited about getting some pesos and trying to find places where they would let us use them (so much cheaper! beating the system!) and I was more skeptical until I talked to a friend who goes to Cuba twice a year and is very knowledgeable - she told me that having some pesos onhand (maybe 5 CUCs worth) is helpful for some things you can only buy in pesos, like fruit at local markets, peanuts and fun drinks from street vendors, and... peso pizza.

So, after successfully purchasing a green pepper at a market for 2 pesos (pennies!) we ventured out to find peso pizza. We had been told that these are like doughy "personal" pizzas with a little sauce and lots of cheese; they are simple but delicious and cheap. There was one location marked on our borrowed map of Havana (also mentioned in the guide book), we took an overpriced Coco taxi to the spot, very excited about this adventure.

We arrived and found the sign for pizza hung by a residential door with no other signs of this being a business. We weren't sure what to do next. Ze'ev tentatively rang the buzzer but there was no response and our dissapointment grew as we realized it was probably closed. I looked around - this was a fairly quiet side street with a line of bicycle taxis lined up beside eachother and a few people standing along the street opposite us. We clearly didn't know what we were doing and the few people around were calmly watching us. 

Then one of the men on a bicycle taxi called to us and motioned towards himself. We hesitated, thinking he was probably going to try and convince us to take a ride or try and sell us a cigar or something. But he kept beckoning and pointing up to the top of the building above our heads. Finally, Ze'ev went over to see what he was pointing at, and there, waaaaay at the top of the building was a guy leaning over... to take our order for pizza! It took a bit to figure this out, so while Ze'ev was asking "pizza?" and trying to figure out if he knew the word in Spanish for "cheese", the pizza guy is yelling at him, "speak! speak!" in Spanish, trying desperately to get us to actually place an order so he could continue with his business. Ze'ev managed to communicate that we wanted two pizzas "sin carne" and I looked around again and realized that the people standing along the street were, of course, waiting for their order! 

We decided to continue to make fools of ourselves by taking pictures while we waited. I crossed the street again to stand beside the sign for a photo op. Suddenly Ze'ev said, "Rose, watch out!" Watch out for what? I looked side to side and finally looked up to see a basket descending from the sky, narrowly missing my head. (Click on the picture to see my look of astonishment.)

 What was this? I put my hand on the basket dangling next to me and pulled it towards me. Two women crossed the street and calmly, without acknowledging me at all, took the basket back, took out their pizza, and put money into the basket. I crossed the street hysterically laughing. No one had told us!! 

 Many people had given us tips about Cuba, had told us some of the oddities and idiosyncrasies  of the country, even my friend who told me about pizza had not mentioned that it arrives in a basket out of the sky! (In her defence, she later told me she was aware of this basket phenomenon but that she had not, in all her trips to Cuba, actually bought anything that was lowered in a basket.)

The pizza was, indeed, delicious.

Call your grandma

... or mentor, or elder, or ...

Photo by Layton Reid

"Everywhere, there are blessings, there are miracles, there is a universe tending to our million needs for air, comfort, love, support, good roads, kind hearts, tending gatherings and delicious mountains.

And they are the sentinels watching for them, praising them, delighting in them, alerting us all to them."

Home again, home again

 

Cuba was amazing. It was a little disorienting to travel somewhere so different but be there and back so easily with the short direct flight from Ottawa. Travelling within the same time zone makes a huge difference in settling in when first there and readjusting when coming back.

 

Maybe because of this ease, it felt almost too normal to be there (crazy though the country is). I worried a few times that I wasn't being aware or appreciative enough of the travel, the bright hot sun in February, etc.

 

I was, however, very present while I was there. Maybe I didn't need to compare what I was experiencing to my usual experience in order to live it and to just be. 

I am definitely grateful, though, to have the opportunity to take these breaks from work, to travel with such an amazing partner, to experience and sample and taste another place and another mode of being.

More to come. Replete with crazy stories and adventures.

Looking/Finding

Taking on the challenge, I looked for hearts today as I was walking to meet a good friend for lunch. Can you see the one above?

As much as I hate to see all the snow melt (I still want to skate and snowshoe this winter!), it was lovely walking for almost an hour outside without getting cold. And actively looking for something specific put me in a different mode than usual. I was walking fairly quickly and wondering if I was going to fast to really see the hearts in the world around me. As I continued, I started looking for patterns in the objects, lines, and shadows - looking for the curves that could form the sides of a heart. I noticed where there were a lot of straight lines (buildings mostly) and where there were curves (loops among the otherwise straight power lines, tree branches, forms in the melting snow, shadows). I also would stop and examine complex or "jumbled" visual areas to see if I could spot hearts there.

Do you see it? This one comes across more clearly in a smaller format, actually. It's part of the shadow of this lovely new art (supposed to be bike racks, I've heard - not the best design for that but a great addition to Bank Street anyway).

I started my walk wondering if I would find any hearts at all, but through attention (and imagination) I was pleasantly surprised. This makes me wonder what else I might find or attract into my life if I intentionally look for it.

Bring on Spring

Before and After

Although I may look slightly happier in the "before" picture, I am really pleased at how this project turned out. I found this maternity hoodie on sale and wasn't sure about it because the zipper doesn't go all the way to the bottom so I have to pull it on over my head... but it is so comfortable (once I get it on) and I really needed something new since my favourite hoodies don't quite cover my belly anymore. Inspired by some handcrafted clothing I wanted to buy, I decided to spruce it up a little with fabric appliqué. Now I'm in love with it!

More details to follow for others interested in bringing more colour and fun into your February wardrobe (plus a bonus belly shot)...

Secret Friend

February 5 @ 20 weeks*

The great thing about having a fetus kicking around in my abdomen is feeling the little nudges once in a while: “Hello! Here I am! Right here with you.” Something no one else can tell is happening, something I take as a reminder that something much bigger, well, actually smaller, significant is happening that may or may not have to do with the “real” world, the reality that everyone else shares. I don't mean by this that pregnancy is the greatest thing ever or that what is happening in my body is more important than anything else going on in the world, just that feeling these surprisingly strong movements from a tiny, growing being inside my body grounds me in some way or at least gives me a momentary shift in perspective.

Musing on this, I thought of the practice of having a meditation bell that rings at random times as a reminder to stay in the moment. Hopefully it isn't too horrible to make a slight comparison between this baby and a meditation bell. I've also wondered how I could incorporate this built-in reminder to ground and centre – perhaps to gain a shift in perspective from the all-encompassing cries of a baby! But I have a feeling nothing quite compares to feeling a new little body moving within mine and, of course, the connection brought into awareness by those movements.

This may actually be a functional shift in perspective for the purposes of pregnancy. At some point in her hilarious book (wow, I just googled the title of that book and came up with this crazy website combining images of bears and musak for a dubious purpose) Diane Flacks talks about consciously removing drama from her life because she has a heightened awareness of the negative impact of stress emotional upheaval and the potential impact on her baby. That's mainly what these shifts in awareness, these bumping belly reminders, tell me – I'm happy, I'm content with my life, I'm prioritizing myself and my body, I don't need drama. I think this actually helps me to do my work better since I have no interest in getting emotionally drawn into the complications of other people's lives (and often people, including myself at times, feed off of the rush of drama and complications). I still have empathy and I can support people, but I'm not interested in getting implicated or making it about me. I also really hope I'm not tempting fate here by sounding so stoic about this – I have been thankfully un-encumbered (emotionally) at work since I had a very hard time in the fall. Maybe what I'm writing right now will be helpful if I find myself sinking into it again.

Thinking about the title of this post again, I think a more accurate description might be “secret companion”. I'm not really friends with this little fetus, but we are in it together. And I'm enjoying the company.

*An “inside” shot can be seen here.

One Little Word

I have imagined writing a blog (or rather, imagined writing individual blog posts) at different times in the past few years. My thoughts usually quickly jump to how others might react to or reflect on my words, what I might write after that post, second-guessing whether it's worth writing about or whether I'd continue or why I would write on the internet rather than writing in a journal. And then I take a breath and realize I'm caught up in a somewhat manic stream of thoughts - imagining and speculating on future events rather than experiencing the moment and the inspiration of whatever event or idea made me think of writing in the first place.

Stumbling across this idea the word “intention” popped into my mind. Thinking “intention”, I immediately take a deep breath both physically and mentally. I feel grounded and (at least momentarily) break the cycle of stream of consciousness ideas that feels like gorging – energizing, exhausting, and addictive.

Intention. Grounded. Reflective. Inspired. Motivated. Strong. Energized.