Back on the knit-wagon

This post is about a week late, but I still want to get the sentiment recorded here. Leo was such a great traveller (i.e. sleeper) on our trip to Toronto a week ago that I was able to get more work done on the sweater I started last winter. He actually slept so much in the car that the knitting started to feel monotonous! Very exciting for anything non-baby-related to actually start to be boring. The pattern is Roheline from the lovely online magazine Twist Collective. The body is done up to the armpits (waiting to attach the sleeves and knit the yoke) and the sleeves are probably one third done (knitting them simultaneously with two double-pointed needles). I had hoped to finish before Leo was born... yeah, that's usually the way it goes. 

 

Last week I met a mom with a son the same age as Leo and she mentioned she will be hosting a Stitch and Bitch group at a nearby yarn store this fall. I asked her with some amazement if she was able to knit with such a young baby and she said, "Oh, yes! I just sit him on my lap like this and he watches me." This blew me away. I felt better a bit later when I talked to my sister and she said that even if I could knit right now with Leo, in a couple months he would be grabbing at the needles and the yarn anyway.

I do appreciate hearing that someone *is* able to knit with a young baby because it plants the idea in my head and I might try it! And I'm also more encouraged to attend a knit group if I know there's another breastfeeding mom with a young baby there. So I don't know if posting about this project will give me motivation to keep trying to work on it here and there or if I'll just find myself looking back on this a year later with it still unfinished... but I love the sweater and I'm looking forward to wearing it.

In Leo news, he attended his first music festival this weekend! Unfortunately the weather was cold and windy (thanks to my mom for all the warm knitted goods that kept my baby warm!) and the music was so-so, but I'm glad we did it. Much more to come next summer, Leo!

Finding Rhythm

At a breastfeeding group yesterday, one woman talked about people asking her how long her son goes between feedings, when he naps, and how long he naps for. She has to answer that she has no idea - she just "goes with it". She then asked the group, with quite a bit of hesitation, if there is any way to have some kind of schedule with a baby since it seemed like the people asking the questions could predict and plan their day around their babies' naps and feedings. I interpreted her hesitation as being worried about how she might come across mentioning "scheduling" in an environment that promotes baby-wearing/attachment parenting/breastfeeding on cue/etc (in which schedule is generally a bad word). But I can totally relate to both things: one, that I only have a vague idea of how long Leo goes between feedings or how long he naps for (and this is a wide range depending on the time of day); and two, I have also wondered if I could get us on to a routine to guide our day together.

Another mother responded with an idea I've also considered doing: she wrote down everything her baby did for a few days and discovered to her great surprise that he *did* have a schedule! Small things (an extra feeding, for example) might change from day to day but in general there was a common sequence to his day. She also noted that if he got up at a later time, his routine would shift ahead by that amount of time. She noticed that there was a period of a few hours in the evening when he was particularly fussy and so she decided that his bedtime would be before the fussiness started - he's now not awake for that part of his routine, so it doesn't happen! I didn't get the sense that she now was able to predict exactly what he would do (and babies do seem to change things up when parents think they've got things down), but rather that she was reassured that his behaviour wasn't random and so just let him do his thing while knowing that there was a pattern for him.

The facilitator of the group nodded and said, yes - we talk about Rhythm. Ok: scheduling bad, rhythm good. I'm not sure what practical use I'll actually make of this, but I loved hearing about the idea and the possibilities of discovering more about my baby this way. Then I started thinking that I could probably actually learn more about *myself* this way. Before having a baby, I would often have a moment in the late afternoon of a day off work where I was mad at myself for "doing nothing" all morning. I think I was trying to impose a schedule on myself instead of learning about my own rhythms. And now, my goal is to harmonize my rhythm with my baby's - and also dedicate some part of the day to myself in some way. A roundabout way of saying that I hope to reflect and write about me and my own (non-baby-related) thoughts and identity soon!

My village this weekend

Parenting an infant (perhaps mothering in particular?) feels like one long series of mood swings. The highs are so high - actually, not so much ecstatic as feelings of deep peace, love, and contentment - but the lows are so low. If I don't have a solid nap every day I hit the lows pretty reliably. I start second guessing myself and just feel overwhelmed at the sheer number of emotions I experience every single day. I feel confused about how this could possibly be this hard, especially since we are blessed with such an easy-going baby. I feel conflicted and guilty when I'm relieved that there is someone else to hold my baby, and then a short while later I feel an overwhelming urge to have my baby back in my arms. I reassure myself that everything about this is normal and just enjoy the most wonderful moments when I am fed and rested and fully focused on Leo and his growing, nourishing, amazing energy.

After last week, my first week alone during the day with Leo, and after being emotionally overwhelmed a few times, I was worried that I would start to dread the beginning of Ze'ev's work week when he would be gone again during the day. Then, of course, I would feel guilty that I was even considering the possibility of dreading any amount of time with my baby, etc... (mood swing!). Which is why I'm so grateful to have the "village" of Ze'ev's family to spend time with and to share the baby care this weekend. I'm noticing that this is not only a break in the moment but also gives me renewed energy for the week coming up. I'm excited about and looking forward to my days with Leo, to taking him for walks to local parks, to giving him massages and diaper-free time, to exploring groups and activities in Ottawa, to simply sharing a daily routine.

I also have a new intention based on a realization. It occured to me while rushing around frantically to do something before Leo woke up and needed me, that the only time I don't feel stress or anxiety these days is when I'm sitting down breastfeeding or at least when I'm holding Leo and he's happy. That is, as long as I'm not making a mental list of the things I want to do (water plants, tidy the top of the fridge, blah blah blah) when we are sitting still and he's feeding. At all other times I'm wondering where he is (when he is safe with other people) or worrying that he will wake up (horrible parent! cue the mood swing!). So, I want to both fully enjoy the times when both he and I have exactly what we need, and, shift my thinking so that I'm looking forward to him waking and needing me even when I'm in the middle of brushing my teeth and it's almost 1pm and I want to go for a walk before our afternoon nap (or some equivalent scenario). My main realization was just that the mood swings make sense if I'm feeling on edge and anxious for much of my day so I need to be aware of that. And be grateful for my village that helps me raise this child. And fully enjoy the highs of these crazy swings.