Looking/Finding

Taking on the challenge, I looked for hearts today as I was walking to meet a good friend for lunch. Can you see the one above?

As much as I hate to see all the snow melt (I still want to skate and snowshoe this winter!), it was lovely walking for almost an hour outside without getting cold. And actively looking for something specific put me in a different mode than usual. I was walking fairly quickly and wondering if I was going to fast to really see the hearts in the world around me. As I continued, I started looking for patterns in the objects, lines, and shadows - looking for the curves that could form the sides of a heart. I noticed where there were a lot of straight lines (buildings mostly) and where there were curves (loops among the otherwise straight power lines, tree branches, forms in the melting snow, shadows). I also would stop and examine complex or "jumbled" visual areas to see if I could spot hearts there.

Do you see it? This one comes across more clearly in a smaller format, actually. It's part of the shadow of this lovely new art (supposed to be bike racks, I've heard - not the best design for that but a great addition to Bank Street anyway).

I started my walk wondering if I would find any hearts at all, but through attention (and imagination) I was pleasantly surprised. This makes me wonder what else I might find or attract into my life if I intentionally look for it.

Bring on Spring

Before and After

Although I may look slightly happier in the "before" picture, I am really pleased at how this project turned out. I found this maternity hoodie on sale and wasn't sure about it because the zipper doesn't go all the way to the bottom so I have to pull it on over my head... but it is so comfortable (once I get it on) and I really needed something new since my favourite hoodies don't quite cover my belly anymore. Inspired by some handcrafted clothing I wanted to buy, I decided to spruce it up a little with fabric appliqué. Now I'm in love with it!

More details to follow for others interested in bringing more colour and fun into your February wardrobe (plus a bonus belly shot)...

Secret Friend

February 5 @ 20 weeks*

The great thing about having a fetus kicking around in my abdomen is feeling the little nudges once in a while: “Hello! Here I am! Right here with you.” Something no one else can tell is happening, something I take as a reminder that something much bigger, well, actually smaller, significant is happening that may or may not have to do with the “real” world, the reality that everyone else shares. I don't mean by this that pregnancy is the greatest thing ever or that what is happening in my body is more important than anything else going on in the world, just that feeling these surprisingly strong movements from a tiny, growing being inside my body grounds me in some way or at least gives me a momentary shift in perspective.

Musing on this, I thought of the practice of having a meditation bell that rings at random times as a reminder to stay in the moment. Hopefully it isn't too horrible to make a slight comparison between this baby and a meditation bell. I've also wondered how I could incorporate this built-in reminder to ground and centre – perhaps to gain a shift in perspective from the all-encompassing cries of a baby! But I have a feeling nothing quite compares to feeling a new little body moving within mine and, of course, the connection brought into awareness by those movements.

This may actually be a functional shift in perspective for the purposes of pregnancy. At some point in her hilarious book (wow, I just googled the title of that book and came up with this crazy website combining images of bears and musak for a dubious purpose) Diane Flacks talks about consciously removing drama from her life because she has a heightened awareness of the negative impact of stress emotional upheaval and the potential impact on her baby. That's mainly what these shifts in awareness, these bumping belly reminders, tell me – I'm happy, I'm content with my life, I'm prioritizing myself and my body, I don't need drama. I think this actually helps me to do my work better since I have no interest in getting emotionally drawn into the complications of other people's lives (and often people, including myself at times, feed off of the rush of drama and complications). I still have empathy and I can support people, but I'm not interested in getting implicated or making it about me. I also really hope I'm not tempting fate here by sounding so stoic about this – I have been thankfully un-encumbered (emotionally) at work since I had a very hard time in the fall. Maybe what I'm writing right now will be helpful if I find myself sinking into it again.

Thinking about the title of this post again, I think a more accurate description might be “secret companion”. I'm not really friends with this little fetus, but we are in it together. And I'm enjoying the company.

*An “inside” shot can be seen here.

One Little Word

I have imagined writing a blog (or rather, imagined writing individual blog posts) at different times in the past few years. My thoughts usually quickly jump to how others might react to or reflect on my words, what I might write after that post, second-guessing whether it's worth writing about or whether I'd continue or why I would write on the internet rather than writing in a journal. And then I take a breath and realize I'm caught up in a somewhat manic stream of thoughts - imagining and speculating on future events rather than experiencing the moment and the inspiration of whatever event or idea made me think of writing in the first place.

Stumbling across this idea the word “intention” popped into my mind. Thinking “intention”, I immediately take a deep breath both physically and mentally. I feel grounded and (at least momentarily) break the cycle of stream of consciousness ideas that feels like gorging – energizing, exhausting, and addictive.

Intention. Grounded. Reflective. Inspired. Motivated. Strong. Energized.